ZAPoly Discussion Topic : New Relationship Energy

New Relationship Energy

New Relationship Energy is an important part of the poly terrain, representing some of the high peaks as well as some of the slopes where we can stumble if we don't watch our footing.
-- Zhahai Stewart

Remember the last time you fell in love? You were a little bit insane weren't you? You wanted to spend all the time you had with your new love, and you talked about them all the time, and you did silly things like stay up all night talking to them even though you had work the next day. Poly people call this period of temporary insanity – new relationship energy. It is intoxicating, and it is dangerous. When you are polyamorous, you can't afford to go completely mad… you have existing relationships to maintain.

Something to remember when I meet someone new - my existing partner needs twice as much attention as the new partner.

If your partner is seeing someone new, then they are going to experience some "new relationship energy", for a little while. There are 2 sides to NRE. The person who isn't experiencing it has to remember that "This too shall pass." And try enjoy the bubbliness your partner is experiencing. Its also important to be able to communicate your boundaries and needs clearly without blame.

As the person with a new relationship you have to be mindful you don't act like an idiot and ruin your current relationships. Listen when your partner points out where you are failing and act to remedy that. Keep your agreements. Be mindful of the effects of your actions. Maintain your priorities.

Tip for keeping existing relationships happy – date night. Its no fun being the one who only gets to do bills and chores and the boring stuff with you. Always schedule at least one Official Date once a week with your existing partner where you make a point to focus on each other and have fun together.

Recovering from harmful effects of NRE on an existing relationship - the NON-NRE partner might want the following:

1) A sincere expression of regret
2) An acknowledgment of their experience
3) An thorough, candid explanation of what was happening on the NRE’d person’s end
4) A plan for change (which might include requests from the NON nre partner)
5) A request for feedback

URL’s

Wikipedia's NRE entry: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_relationship_energy
An article from Zaihai Stewart, the person who coined the term: http://www.aphroweb.net/articles/nre.htm
Two takes on the good and bad of NRE:

A discussion on recovering from unchecked NRE : http://community.livejournal.com/polyamory/2596327.html
The Dammit Phenomenon : http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20040619.html
New Relationship Energy Pitfalls – Polyamory Drifts Out of Comfort http://www.lifeontheswingset.com/10617/new-relationship-energy-pitfalls-polyamory-drifts-out-of-comfort/
NRE on Polyamory Weekly http://polyweekly.com/?s=nre+
We’ve All Been There: Common NRE Mistakes http://polyfor.us/common-nre-mistakes/
How do you avoid NRE damaging your marriage https://www.quora.com/Polyamory-How-do-you-avoid-NRE-damaging-your-marriage
Unhelpful NRE Comparisons: “He’s Been Given What I Had to Earn” https://poly.land/2017/10/06/unhelpful-nre-comparisons-hes-given-earn/
Polyamory 101: New Relationship Energy (NRE) http://polytripod.blogspot.com/2013/01/polyamory-101-new-relationship-energy.html
How Do You Handle Your Partner's NRE? https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/2v02g9/how_do_you_handle_your_partners_nre/

-- South African Polyamory http://www.polyamory.co.za

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