ZAPoly Discussion Topic : Heartbreak and Polyamory

And she said losing love /
Is like a window in your heart /
Everybody sees you're blown apart /
Everybody sees the wind blow
--Paul Simon

Breakups when you're poly can be particularly tricky. Cos you can't just fall apart. You have to be practical too. Dealing with the practicalities of multiple relationships in a small community when experiencing extreme emotion in one of them is a difficult business.

Two discussion questions:

10 Things to discuss with a partner way before you break up

From the Washington Post
  1. When ending a relationship, do you tend to blame the other person, yourself, or other factors internal and external?
  2. In interpersonal conflict, what is the best possible outcome?
  3. In arguments, who do you believe should have “the last say”?
  4. When someone you love strongly disagrees with you (or vice versa), what is your greatest fear for the outcome?
  5. Describe the worst fight you’ve ever had. Did it resolve?
  6. Describe the worst recurring fight you’ve ever had. Why do you think it is recurring?
  7. If your significant other asks for something you can’t or don’t want to give, how do you respond?
  8. Describe your worst “heartbreak.” How long did it take to move on?
  9. What is the worst thing you have done in response to heartbreak? The best thing?
  10. Have you tried to “stay friends” with any of your exes? Did it work? Do you regret it?

Best Practices

Fight fair
Treat your soon-to-be-ex with compassion
Recognize when a relationship is over
Engage in self-care during the post-breakup healing process
Discuss expectations

Esther Perel suggests the following ideas to incorporate into a final conversation:

Useful URLs and resources

-- South African Polyamory

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