ZAPoly Discussion Topic : Common Pitfalls

Notes summarised from 2 excellent documents:

  1. Lack of Poly Education

  2. Lack of Basic Intimate Relationship Skills

  3. The Kid in the Candy Store Syndrome

  4. Hunting Ducks where the Ducks are and where they are not

  5. Various ways we jump the gun

  6. Letting guilt, fear and jealousy get the best of us

  7. Worries about poly parenting

  8. Failing to get what poly demands of us all.

  9. Making assumptions about your partner or your relationship; not talking about everything

  10. Ignoring the consequences of your actions--even the unintended consequences

  11. Trying to micromanage your feelings, or those of your partners

  12. Destroying the village in order to save it

  13. Expecting someone to develop the same relationship with both you and your partner

  14. Assuming that you can prevent jealousy by making sure you and your partner date the same person

  15. Forgetting your priorities

  16. Starting new relationships if your existing relationships have problems.

  17. Getting involved with an existing couple who haven't worked out what polyamory is all about.

  18. Getting involved in polyamory if you're still not sure whether or not you have a poly relationship in the first place, or if you're not prepared to take responsibility for your actions

  19. Assuming that needs not being met in one relationship can be met in another

  20. Forcing  your relationships to fit a predefined mold

  21. Isolating your relationships

  22. Combining your relationships, or force them to act as a single relationship

  23. Separating yourself from your lover's other relationships

  24. Being afraid to put your foot down

  25. Expecting human beings to be rational all the time

  26. Making unilateral life-altering decisions

  27. Not talking to all your partners. Relaying info through your other partners.

  28. Relying on relayed information

  29. Moving too fast

  30. Ignoring that little voice in your head

  31. Being afraid of change

  32. Assuming every problem you encounter is related to polyamory

  33. Not making sure your actions and your intentions match

  34. People broken add more relationships

-- South African Polyamory

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