ZAPoly Discussion Topic : Coming Out Poly

Coming Out

Coming out describes the process of telling the truth about oneself - that might be received negatively. Someone who has not yet come out is said to be in the closet.

Coming out as a participant in a new relationship style isn't exactly the same as coming out as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or intersex (LGBTI for short) but there are a lot of similarities. Members of the general public often have inaccurate and derogatory stereotypes about people in both groups. Our coming out about our differently-defined relationship(s) is often met with hostility, misunderstanding, or dismissal. If we can meet these reactions with good humour and aplomb, however, it is also often possible to use these instances as occasions for education and expanded awareness. Taking inspiration from what LGBTI people have learned about coming out in defence of their own orientations is a good start.

Coming out is a process. First – admitting to yourself that you really are the way you are. Next – letting people know about your polyamorous self. Finally – no longer being afraid of being discovered.

Benefits of Coming Out

Permission to be who you are
You don’t have to lie.
Coming out prevents misunderstandings and speculation.
Don’t have to go through life with the sense that one is guarding a dirty little secret – which can cause isolation, alienation and disharmony.
Coming out fits with a personal philosophy of openness
People can know who your partners are and what they mean to you
Opportunity to educate those around you. By being "out", we open the doors for others to live without fear.
Easier to find like-minded people for friendship and love
It can be safer. If you are acting as if you have something to hide, people will assume “worse” than anything you are actually doing. Keeping secrets can increase your liability. They can give other people great power over you.

Risks of Coming Out

With children there is a potential for a custody dispute (grandparents)
Losing one’s job.
Losing friendships
Being disinherited/losing financial support
Being discriminated against at work or school or when seeking housing or a job.
Ostracism
Embarrassing your children

How Not to Come out

In anger.
As revenge.
Through a third party.
When you're not ready.

How to Come out

Pick the people you come out to (and in order in which you do it) carefully
Be prepared to dedicate a lot of time and energy to the people you come out to
Can opt to write a letter and follow it up in person
Keep in mind why you’re coming out the this particular person
Be clear about who else knows and whether discretion may be called for
Take time to answer questions as thoroughly as you can. Address their concerns specifically. Good idea to have armed yourself with responses beforehand
Offer the person a list of books, articles or websites so they can better understand your relationships
Emphasize that you are available to help the person process the information in whatever way they need
Be prepared for a negative response
Parents have certain expectations about who their children will grow up to be. Shattering expectations can be difficult for them
Misunderstanding poly means people can revert to common myths and misconceptions – swinging/orgies
Can’t accept relationship styles that challenge their own
Ambivalence or dissatisfaction with monogamy can mean they lash out at you (unconsciously envious)
Stay calm, don’t become offensive, offer a well-reasoned response, no matter what. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty. Remind them that these are your choices
When someone outs you – take charge and address it immediately even though the moment may not be ideal. Give the person clear information with as much detail as you feel comfortable sharing.

Specific issues related to coming out to:
Parents
Family
Friends
At work
To your Dr’s (NCSF What psychology professionals should know about polyamory)
Your children
Your spouse
The general public

It is up to each individual to decide if the consequences of coming out to their families is worth the acknowledgement and respect due to their loved ones.

Useful resources

Generic LGBTIQ+

A resource guide to coming out - HRC (USA) http://s3.amazonaws.com/hrc-assets//files/assets/resources/comingout_resourceguide_042013.pdf
How to Come Out on Social Media http://lesbianlife.about.com/cs/families/a/outtoparents.htm?p=1

Polyamory Specific

Coming Out as Polyamorous, Part I https://www.psychologytoday.com/za/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201503/coming-out-polyamorous-part-i
Coming Out as Polyamorous, Part II https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201503/coming-out-polyamorous-part-ii
Want to Come Out As Polyamorous to Your Parents, But Not Sure Where to Start? Try These 5 Tips http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/01/telling-parents-abt-polyamory/
7 Questions to Brace Yourself For When You Explain Polyamory to Your Family https://everydayfeminism.com/2015/11/explaining-polyamory-family/
Pregnant and Poly and Worried About Coming Out to Mom and Dad https://www.thestranger.com/slog/2019/05/09/40154985/coming-out-to-mom-and-dad
Poly during the holidays — tales, warnings, recommendations https://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2019/12/poly-holidays-tales-and-advice.html
In Or Out? What shall it be? http://www.polyfamilies.com/polyinorout.html
Poly & Out - Introducing Poly to Old Friends http://inanothercountryza.blogspot.co.za/2015/04/poly-out-introducing-poly-to-old-friends.html
List of some frequently asked questions about coming out poly https://web.archive.org/web/20091026223838/http://geocities.com/live_the_dream2000/art10.html
Coming out Poly - a personal story http://web.archive.org/web/20010807171014/http://www.aloha.net/~surfcow/out.htm
Stories of struggling to move beyond the poly closet https://web.archive.org/web/20131111051310/http://www.openlypoly.net/tag/coming-out
Modern Love: Coming Out as a Modern Family (Updated With Podcast) http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/01/fashion/coming-out-as-a-modern-family-modern-love.html
Children, Stigma, and Polyamorous Families http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2013/10/children-stigma-and-polyamorous-families.html
Coming Out as Non-Monogamous; again and again and again and again http://www.lifeontheswingset.com/17098/coming-out-as-non-monogamous-again-and-again-and-again-and-again/
Coming Out As Non-Monogamous http://www.lifeontheswingset.com/16072/coming-out-as-non-monogamous/
Possibly Coming Out as Polyamorous – An Open Letter to the Folks http://www.lifeontheswingset.com/13037/possibly-coming-out-as-polyamorous-an-open-letter-to-the-folks/
PolyWeekly 499: Coming out to your doctor https://polyweekly.com/499-coming-out-to-your-doctor/
NCSF : What Psychology Professionals Need to Know about Polyamory https://secureservercdn.net/198.71.233.68/9xj.1d5.myftpupload.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/Poly_Booklet_2014_09_27_2014-10-09.pdf
On Coming Out of the Poly Closet http://radicalpoly.wordpress.com/2013/02/24/on-coming-out-of-the-poly-closet/
Ms. Opinionated: Should I Come Out As Poly? http://bitchmagazine.org/post/ms-opinionated-feminist-advice-should-i-come-out-as-polyamorous
What It’s Really Like Coming Out As Polyamorous http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/10/polyamorous-coming-out-relationship_n_3900538.html
Tag Archives: Coming Out http://polynirvana.wordpress.com/tag/coming-out/
Why be out? http://www.morethantwo.com/whybeout.html
Ask Polly: how do I come out to my conservative parents?https://web.archive.org/web/20120228060158/http://polytical.org/2012/01/ask-polly-how-do-i-come-out-to-my-conservative-parents/
Seven Steps For Coming Out to a (Potential) Sweetie as Poly https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201506/seven-steps-coming-out-potential-sweetie-poly
Dan Savage urges poly outness, when possible http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.co.za/2014/11/dan-savage-urges-poly-outness-when.html
“ 'You’re Doing What?' On coming out as polyamorous.” And other coming out tales http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.co.za/2014/05/youre-doing-what-on-coming-out-as.html
On Being Out http://polyamorousmisanthrope.com/wordpress/2012/01/31/on-being-out/
Polyamory Can’t Come From Cheating http://polyamorousmisanthrope.com/wordpress/2017/05/14/polyamory-cant-come-from-cheating/
How To Open Up About Being In An Open Relationship http://howdoidate.com/relationships/how-to-open-up-about-being-in-an-open-relationship/
Coming out at the Inn Between http://www.theinnbetween.net/polyout.html

Chapters In Books

Opening Up by Tristan Taormino – Chapter 16 – Coming out (or not),finding community, creating families http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X
Polyamory the new love without limits by Deborah Anapol – Chapter 7 – Coming Out Poly http://www.amazon.com/Polyamory-Without-Sustainable-Intimate-Relationships/dp/1880789086

-- South African Polyamory http://www.polyamory.co.za

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