Any relationships take effort to maintain. Polyamorous relationships can take multiple times the effort. One way to ensure you are looking after all your relationships is to have regular check ins. These can also be called "family meetings", Check Ups or just plain old conversations.
Relationship Check Ins are a way for you to have regular interaction with your partner/s on an ongoing and planned basis. The idea is to avoid the "We have to talk" moment by having a safe space arranged and prepared for to discuss any topics that are impacting your relationship. It is recommended to come to an agreement of a set time period - monthly, weekly, every two weeks etc, to have a relationship check in. This is important to help encourage regular communication especially for people who struggle to communicate easily, for those who have never really learned how to communicate and just for anyone who has a generally busy life.
See below for ideas on what topics to incorporate. Initially this may seem daunting or perhaps even "over kill" but just setting aside the time and planning these together with those you love will help make it less of a chore. Refining the "Agenda" to what suits you and adjusting the terminology will also contribute to making it easier to incorporate in your day to day life.
https://www.multiamory.com/podcast/147-relationship-radar-scrum-20
Review past actions and the past week
Agree the line-up/list/agenda
Discuss the items on your list
Action Points - Create achievable goals that are as specific as possible
Re-connect
Work
Money
Household
Food
Vehicles
Projects
Friends & Family (kids, relatives, parents, etc.)
Events & Travel
Physical Health
Mental Health
Stress Levels
Quality-Time
Disagreements/Arguments
Other Partner/s or Potential Partner/s
Intimacy & Sex
Miscellaneous
https://poly.land/2017/04/19/polyamory-check-ins-concern-trolling/
"Let's say you want to date someone. But your partner
says they have concerns about it. How do you know they're not just
jealous and inventing a 'concern?'"
https://bradfordhealth.com/halt-hunger-anger-loneliness-tiredness/
Remember to HALT (or HHALTTD) - If you realize that you’re
not being as effective at communicating because you’re hungry,
or angry, or lonely, or tired, or horny, or drunk, or whatever it is.
Are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired?
If so, right now
is probably not the best time to talk, especially if the subject
matter is uncomfortable or difficult.
If you’re hungry,
that’s an obvious fix.
If you’re tired, it might be
deciding to take a break from your talk to take a nap or an agreement
to resume discussion in the morning after a full night’s rest.
But what about feeling angry and lonely? Sometimes those
feelings are the very reason you feel you need to talk! When your
negative emotions are stirring, it takes willpower in order to remain
calm and respectful when hashing things out with your partner.
However, your willpower is a limited resource, and trying to stuff
down negative emotions makes that energy deplete even faster. We
recommend stopping and agreeing on an amount of time that you and
your partner will take before resuming the issue. This could be
anywhere from an hour to a week, depending on what feels right. The
idea is that when you come back to it, you’ll be calm,
collected, and better able to continue talking without biting
someone’s head off.
(What is the goal of your communication?)
http://www.multiamory.com/podcast/159-triforce-dlc
Just want to share and be heard
Seeking sympathy, comfort, praise, or celebration
Trying to solve a problem, seeking help or advice
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
https://www.cnvc.org/
There are a plethora of resources for the communication
technique known as Non-Violent Communication. NVC stresses the
importance of communicating with compassion instead of with combative
or violent behaviour.
There are 4 primary steps to employing
NVC:
State an observation of what happened, free of interpretation, accusation, or spin.
“We had plans to go out on a date on Tuesday night. Thirty minutes before we were supposed to meet, you texted me and cancelled on the night.”
Express your feelings (emotional honesty comes in handy here) without applying any story about something that was done to you by others.
“I felt surprised, lonely, and sad.”
Express what it is you need.
“I need to know that our plans are important enough to you to keep them. I need to feel considered by you.”
Make a request that is not a demand or an ultimatum. Your partner should feel free to say either “yes” or “no”, or to negotiate the request.
“If you need to reschedule a date of ours, and it’s not an emergency, I request you give me at least a day’s notice beforehand.”
NVC takes practice before it becomes second nature, and it will require you to slow down and be very mindful when you’re in the midst of an argument. In our personal experience, NVC can be an excellent tool that allows you to be heard, even if your partner hasn’t studied it at all.
http://www.skillsyouneed.com/ips/reflecting.html
Reflecting is a technique that will really challenge your
ability to listen to your partner. As in actually listening, not just
sitting there formulating a response while you wait for them to stop
speaking. (We’ve all done it.) You can choose to reflect by
mirroring. Listen to your partner express their feelings and their
take on the situation. Then, repeat back to them exactly what they
said, trying to keep it short and simple. This assures your partner
that you are paying attention and receiving what they said. It also
allows them the chance to correct anything that may have been
misheard or misunderstood. You can also reflect by paraphrasing.
Paraphrasing involves repeating back what the speaker has said to
you, but using your own words. This highlights not only listening,
but that you are also trying to understand your partner’s
thoughts and feelings. Proceed with caution and with calm when you
are paraphrasing, as it can sometimes be interpreted as trying to
over-simplify your partner’s point of view. Remember that
reflecting is an ongoing process. It may take several passes and
repetition before you partner feels like they have been adequately
understood!
http://reidaboutsex.com/difficult-conversation-formula/
A protocol for enhancing conversations especially when they are challenging.http://eqi.org/ehon.htm
Emotional honesty means expressing your true feelings. To
be emotionally honest we must first be emotionally aware. This
emotional awareness is related to our emotional intelligence. It is
our emotional intelligence, combined with the necessary learning,
practice and experience, which gives us the ability to accurately
identify our feelings.
http://eqi.org/aware.htm
Emotional awareness means knowing when feelings are present
in ourselves and others. It is closely related to emotional literacy,
which means being able to label feelings with specific feeling words.
At its highest level it means being able to predict feelings in
advance.
-- South African Polyamory http://www.polyamory.co.za