ZAPoly Discussion Topic : How to (or not to) spectacularly mess up your polyamorous relationships
There are many different ways to structure and conduct polyamorous
relationships. Some are more successful than others. Sometimes, it is
more useful to know what NOT to do, than what TO do.
Spectacularly Messing Up 101:
- Lie
- Avoid self-knowledge (your limits, your needs, and the
things that bring you happiness)
- Blame the other person(s)
- Disclaim responsibility
- Push
- Play on insecurity
- Avoid intimacy
- Don't talk
- Remain technically faithful to your partner while breaking
the spirit of whatever agreement you have whenever possible, keeping
this knowledge bottled up to ensure maximum fear, shame and resentment
- Coerce your relationships into a predefined shape
- Keep score
- Ask “Am I getting the same things as my partner's other
partner?”
- Don’t ask for what you need
- Let problems sit
- Assume that polyamory will solve problems in your
relationship
- Ignore the state of a prospective partner's existing
relationships
- Take sides
- Be inflexible
- Assume the problem is polyamory
- Ignore the way you relate to your partner's partners
- Micromanage your feelings, or those of your partners
- Make assumptions about your relationship with your
partner's other partners
- Assume polyamory makes you more enlightened
- Make assumptions about your partner's other relationships
- Vilify, demonize, or build up your partner's other partners
- Make assumptions on behalf of other people
- assume that you can prevent jealousy by making sure you and
your partner date the same person
- Forget your priorities
- start new relationships if your existing relationships have
problems
- ignore that little voice in your head
- Look to your relationships to offer you validation
- Seek to give your partner happiness at the expense of your
own
- Be afraid of change
- Don’t think about what place you have to offer someone
- Don’t educate yourself about polyamory
- Don’t develop your basic intimate relationship skills
- Fall headlong into the kid in the candy store syndrome
- Date people who are monogamous
- Date people recently widowed, separated and divorced
- Drag an existing reluctant mono partner into polyamory
- Jump the gun
- Let Guilt, Fear and Jealousy Get the Best of You
- Discourage growth
- Drop “Hints” and Other Passive-Aggression
- Don’t expect difficult feelings will come up
- Come from a family that made you feel unloved and insecure
- Don’t Get support from people who can affirm your
relationship choices
- Be really vague in your (non)monogamy negotiations
- Be uneducated about safer sex issues
- Take the short term view
- use safer sex boundaries as a stand-in for emotional
boundaries
- Have a scarcity mentality about love
- Don’t establish your own set of ethical guidelines
- Disrespect your partners
URLs
-- South African Polyamory http://www.polyamory.co.za
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