ZAPoly Discussion Topic : Definitions

What is love? What is a relationship? What is sex? What is dating? What is friendship? Unknowlingly having different definitions of the same terms can cause problems. Let's explore our definitions. Notes from a discussion.

How do we define sex?

Scarleteen article about defining sex http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather_corinna/2011/02/09/how_do_we_best_define_sex
We have individual definitions of sex and this means we need to be specific with the definition especially in a poly relationship

Making out vs. sex (safer sex agreements)

The following are examples are what some people may define as sex while others may choose to place into the making out category

Oral sex
Mutual masturbation
No genital contact
Activities that require STI testing
Intent to cause orgasm
Penetrative sex

The distinction between making out and sex is very personal and partners should discuss these things beforehand to avoid conflicts from different understandings.

How do we define cheating?

Unilateral breaking of a relationship agreement
Betraying trust
Lying about something that would cause damage to the relationship if discovered
In monogamy someone is “just a friend” because there has not been any physical contact - does not excuse emotional cheating

What is a relationship and what is friendship?

Deep intimate connections are possible between friends
Relationship smorgasbord - https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/5jebwg/relationship_anarchy_smorgasbord_choose_your/
Close platonic friendships are possible across genders even when the actions are usually associated with people in relationships. E.g. staying over at each other’s houses, prolonged physical contact, sharing of beds etc.

What is dedication?

Is it the same thing as commitment?
Deciding what you want out of a relationship and doing things to support that

What is Honesty?

It is about both big and small things in a relationship. Building intimacy and building trust comes from sharing all sorts of details.
Most people lie through omission and it raises the question “ if you can lie about his, what else are you lying to me about?”
if you are scared of telling someone something then you probably should

-- South African Polyamory http://www.polyamory.co.za

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